Starry starry night..

Safe travels, don't die...

2012-02-16T01:05:00.001+08:00

Please eat your greens
and don’t sit close to screens,
your eyes are a means to an end.
And I would be sorry if, due to your hurry,
you were hit by a lorry my friend.
Like you always say,
Safe travels, don’t die, don’t die,
safe travels, don’t die.
Don’t walk on ice, no matter how nice,
how sturdy, enticing it seems.
Please cross at the lights
and don’t start fires or fights and
don’t dabble in heights on caffeine.
Like you always say
Safe travels, don’t die, don’t die,
safe travels, don’t die.
Don’t swallow bleach
out on Sandymount beach,
I’m not sure I’d reach you in time my boy.
Please don’t bungee jump
or ignore a strange lump
and a gasoline pump’s not a toy.
Like you always say
Safe travels, don’t die, don’t die,
safe travels, don’t die.

Post-Laneway Depression

2012-02-15T22:53:00.002+08:00

Now I'm in love with this man! (I love you Chrissy Baby!!)

A Celebration, sort of..

2012-02-10T16:33:00.002+08:00

Firstly, I don't know how to feel this time, well perhaps, most of the times I never really do. But this is sort of a funny feeling kind of..probably. Hahaa I don't even know what that means.

Anyway...the answer to my current question is -well I do a lot of Q&A with the self, if you must know- and the answer is "Yes", I'm going for it (with emphasis on the word "alone" here). But what I find even funnier was, all this week I've been seeing signs all around me. Nothing big, just big enough to comfort and somehow push me in the right(??) direction. I realized I've been feeling sort of energized this month and quite weak all the same. I'm juggling with work, life and perhaps some other things that I may or may not want to share. It's this obsessions I have (look I'm sharing!) with things and it sort of a revolving thing I guess. These things, these obsessions sort of goes off and comes back all the time, so you can see how I'm juggling with obsessions as well here. And when I say obsessions, it is exactly that. I can't just let it go. I'll hold on to it till I finally get bored. And like I said, it surely will come back when it wants to.

So right now, it has a lot to do with Japan (and/or Japanese). Well, suffice to say, it sucks the life out of me, maybe chotto..just a bit cos I'm still breathing (totally harmless). But I guess, it makes me happy. And that's all I need right now.

But back to reality, the one that I'm going for alone this time is this other obsession of mine (read: GIRLS frontman; Christopher Owens). I know he hasn't been a "feature wall" in my room of late but he's still there. Somewhere in the crowded room of my fantastic wall. So I'm going to see him this weekend. And I'm gonna love his blond, dirty hair. (Not dirty blond cos it's totally blond!!).

But right now, I'm listening to Yuck singing Natsu Nandesu. It's great! They'll be playing at Laneway too. Hope I can catch them as well...

Natsu Nandesu by Yuck

PS: Does this make you search for Happy End? Let me know if you do..hahah!

Sabishii Naa..

2012-01-20T15:19:00.000+08:00

So, my trip to Japan went well...though I never get to see Hokkaido during winter (my not-so secret dream) invoked by my desire of a romantic Hokkaido experience; that is to ride the Hokutosei and witness the sunrise the following morning soon as the train glides from under the sea through the Seikan Tunnel...(kyaa~~)

All these, sad to say, proved hard to do during the New Year where all train trips reservations (especially to Hokkaido as the lady said "very popular place" *smiles*) should be taken weeks in advance. But fret I did not (Yoda reference?), thanks to our Kyoto and Hiroshima plan. Few of the nicest places I've ever been to.. :)

I took the above picture from our guest house in Kyoto, cutely named Bola-bola. I don't know what it is but hope that the picture speaks volume, about everything. Especially what I'm feeling right now. I really miss being in Japan...I wonder if I would ever get to take that ride. That ride that I missed. That ride that should be, The Hokutosei.... :)

p/s: I know they don't read this (nobody does heh), but if they do I just want them to know how I appreciated all of their time and efforts in making this trip the best yet for me. Thank you Nana and Adi, the truly wonderful brother-sister combo that made it all worth the while. And thank you for not complaining more about me (not to my face at least, hahah!)..you guys are the worst, eh, best! :p

3-leafed clover

2012-01-13T17:48:00.004+08:00

So sad to be home but there's nowhere else I'd rather be right now...

The Love Bug

2012-01-12T00:11:00.002+08:00

In the middle of January, in the middle of crises. The love bug bit.

Lost In Translation

2012-01-03T14:04:00.001+08:00

It's hard not to feel lonely on a strange land...

Kim & Jessie

2011-12-08T10:21:00.001+08:00

Well, I hardly do this but I'm feeling a bit generous of late...so sharing becomes the sort of "caring" for me these days..(instead of the "sharing is creepy" motto I usually go by) -- so why not.

I'm getting hooked with this song, keep listening to it over and over..here goes:

M83 / Kim & Jessie by ShornStarMan

Just to compare, I hereby put Tokyo Police Club cover version of the same song..and just so you know, I like them both :)

Kim & Jessie (Featuring Jamie Jackson of Hot As Sun) by TokyoPoliceClub

When I'm Sixty-Four...

2011-12-05T10:23:00.001+08:00

There comes a point in your life when you just stop accepting new acquaintances. Case in point, mine, I've recently been in a situation where I suddenly felt the need to make an acquaintance with my (would be ex) French classmates. Two beautiful, lovely people who, inconveniently, are both younger than me (much younger). I wasn't sure why I almost did it but my guesses were:

a) There are some chances that there would be some possible exchange of infos regarding anything French i.e. French Films/Music.
b) Just to be polite, you know..
c) It was a moment of reflex a.k.a. Not My Fault.

But I stopped short. Right before my voice was able to croak anything out (we were on the stairs at this point), and I thanked God I didn't. Well, let's be honest, because a) if anyone were to exchange any infos regarding French films/music, it would've been me. And b) it wouldn't be an exchange, but a kind of service. That would mean that these kids will have a free flow of my endless range of fantastic cinema from France and wouldn't half know what to do with it. That wouldn't be fair right? And c) I'm not ready for this kind of selfless act that would include my beautiful films to be shoved aside to the shelves by these beautiful people. I have my reasons for believing so. Finally, d) They would never have welcomed me in the first place as I'm sure they wouldn't want to be intimidated by this poor old soul.

And just like that, I was glad I didn't make any move. Let's face it, it's not in my nature to keep people around me for too long for fear of not being able to keep up with their wants and needs (well, I have issues). Let's just say, I'd like to keep it simple..--a matter of facts.

My Honey Bunny!!

2011-11-29T11:39:00.001+08:00

I am soo going!

I'm so excited at the thought of this. This is going to be massive. I've been listening to Girls since back in August and was getting more and more into it after reading some interviews with the band's front-man, Christopher Owens (exciting man the more you get to know him). But that's not really it, the fact that he made some (arguably) great songs is one of the main reasons why this is a great band to follow.

After Arctic Monkeys, I have not been interested in any other bands for so long. The pop-ish sound of the band's latest album did not deter me from going deeper into the songs/album, in fact, it's the sole reason I was so into it in the first place. Since The Beatles, there have not been any significant "pop-sometimes-experimental" sound that greatly influence me in my daily musical escapism. The new album features some very haunting almost vulnerable vocal by Christopher Owens as opposed to the more affected ones in the first album. All it took was a free download of the featured track "Vomit" and I'm hooked baby.

Have a listen to this, they would make great soundtracks, don't you think?:

Girls - Lawrence by PIAS Entertainment

Good vs Evil...

2011-11-21T15:12:00.001+08:00

I just remembered this. It was making me uncomfortable that I didn't even dare say it out loud much less laugh it off unabashedly. Well, talk about awkward, a friend was talking about cement the other day but mispronounced it as semen. Yeah, awkward huh. I tried to correct her but immediately felt ridiculous. I was being so "malay" about it and goodness me was I ashamed of the whole thing. Hahaha...but it was funny right? .............(Right?)

State of mine...

2011-11-21T14:32:00.001+08:00

It's becoming more and more combative these days just finding inspirations to keep you going in the morning. Normal days would start off typically boring where there's nothing to look forward to. Walking from house to car (which, sad to say, is more than a tad too far for good people like me), and then having to walk another, what feels like miles, from car (where I get to park daily -and by the looks of things- isn't all that good) to office, is just another cherry on top of the cold icy thing. And worst of all, I don't even like cherry.

Hmm where was I?....

As always, I've digressed. And the topic has now been lost on me. No point in keeping it going. I am no longer inspired.

This sucks.

She's not a girl who misses much..

2011-11-10T16:05:00.003+08:00

Being sneaky means not being able to tell people what you were being sneaky about. And I sure as hell am not goin' to tell it here. Even though no one reads it or that they don't care. If I were to write an essay about my sneakiness, I would've gone on for about 5 pages. For this reason, I'd like to keep it a secret for a while. I may (or may not) tell 'em in a passing which I'm sure nobody takes bloody notice. And that's all right because that's how I want it to be.

If a statement is true, nobody takes notice. But if a statement is truer than they'd want to believe, they'll start questioning it. Which isn't fun for the subjects of the interrogation. But when a statement seemed clever (even though it really isn't) - and that it's true to the point of "why-didn't-I-see-it-before" pang, it became noticeable in a way that is slightly disturbing because suddenly, it's a revelation of some sort. I just can't wrap my head around this so-called revelation, because dammit it's really not! okay, rants over.

She's thunderstorm..

2011-10-18T12:46:00.000+08:00

"Now, tell me honestly, if it was me, would you have reacted differently?" --Question that's been hanging around my head lately.

I have this icky feeling I can't shake off. The kind of predicament I'm in, stupid as it is, I'd rather not call it ridiculous (yet) because much to others' chagrin, I kinda get it. The reasons behind it, I think, is more than we all dare to admit. If they're not careful, the after-effect would be disastrous beyond repair. Not that I give a fuck anymore, but it annoys the heck out of me. It's time to be civil, people. And I might just leave it.

That's not a skirt girl, that's a sawn-off shotgun..

2011-10-11T18:08:00.000+08:00

Yeah, I don't actually know what to say, but this has somewhat become more of a home to me. Bear with me,(where?) <- lame joke.

I was out to prove something. And then I got too eager that I tripped somewhere along the way. It was embarrassing but I got up again. Shamelessly I suppose. But that moment was imprinted forever in my mind and much as I wanted to ignore it, they might have stayed in others' too *clench teeth*. Never mind that. I guess, I have nothing to be ashamed about. Just act cool and carry on with life. In the mean time, just let me bury this face into a pillow somewhere...

Yeah why not..

2011-10-05T17:11:00.001+08:00

If watching Bridesmaids and Friends with Benefits doesn’t constitute a discovery, I won’t give a damn anymore. Why I callthis discovery is anyone’s guess. But given the fact that I won’t ever watchthis if it didn’t fall (miraculously) into my laps, says about everything. Goodthing I have a friend who, when it comes to issues about films, she’s right therewith me. “Issues”, that could mean a lot of things regardless of itsnature and causes but that's another story.

In this case, Bridesmaids, something I’vebeen meaning to see (but refuse to since everybody wants me to see it), gotme struck and spun around in a dizzy state of a goodness-me-I-want-to-watch-more-of-it sad affair. The fact that it’s a very girly movie had nothing to do with it (I swear!).The best I could explain, is the comedians. I love comedy and Ireally think that this is a good bunch. For years I’ve been tired of watching theAdam Sandlers + Seth Rogen + Micheal Cera’s galore, so cut the bullshit andbring me something new dammit!

So there it is, I think Judd Apatow has donegood this time, at least. And having Chris O'Dowd playing Kristen Wiig's love interest kinda turned it up a notch for me (IT Crowd anyone??). So does seeing Matt Lucas! :D

Anyhow......I’ve got nothing important to say about Friends withBenefits except that I enjoyed it. Very much. And, don’t watch No StringsAttached. It’s the same thing, only worse.

And the clean coming will hurt..

2011-09-26T18:31:00.002+08:00

I have 30 minutes to think of what to write before going off to shop for a travel bag...luggage...whatever. Thinking while I write and eating honeydew all at the same time, I feel like a great multitasker already. I say this because I really am not.

Somehow I feel the need to reflect on my life. Much as I love being misunderstood, I hate the idea as soon as I became, sort of "the victim". In some ways, I think what was said about me was partly the truth, but it hurt my pride a little to be mistaken for something I'm not sure I am. But what is truth or fact if not the projection of what you believe is [truth] or [fact]. While things were being said, I went into an instant coma (my eyes all starry and lifeless), unable to process the whole idea much less denying it outright. I'm not bitter (I hate to think so..), but I am still slightly taken aback. Well then, just let me mull it over will ya?

The dry spell..

2011-09-23T14:21:00.001+08:00

Haven't been able to watch any good films lately. Not because I don't have it, I just don't want it. This, for me, is worrying. August was by far the best month of discoveries, old and new. I was excited then that I watched Charade (or half of it), His Girl Friday, 12 Angry Men -all good stuff. Then saw, A Prophet and a string of Don Hertzfeldt's junks -major good stuff! And I finally saw Waltz with Bashir although I have to say, I'm a little conflicted by this film. But it's not the world so why bother.

Now, blaming September for this dizzying dry spell seems like the right path to choose. I guess all I have to do, ever, is to just wait it out. And wait for it to come to me. This only means another beginning of a love/hate affair with rubbish films or (I foresee), a great marathon, revisiting old stuff I have once loved or in fact still do. That's how confused I've become. But fret I won't, I'm kinda enjoying this small freedom. Of not having to judge every films I'm seeing and being opened for anything, almost.

All in good time :)

PS: I've gone back to reading. Still, not a promise. I'll drop a line or two on it in about...12 years or so.

How much is too much?

2011-09-22T10:29:00.000+08:00

I won't pretend that this is important but what's the point of writing this right? I mean, I don't know what most people write about in their blog everyday (I don't really read blogs but I had fun looking at pictures and stuffs). And social networking, like, what is that? I mean, don't you think it sounded a bit old? And it's like a euphemism for something, I dunno, but it's something. At some point, people will find out right? That it is all a myth created by Mark Zuckerberg. I even know this guy's name cos he's so famous. And boy did he get interesting when you saw Jesse Eisenberg playing him in a film?. Don't deny it. I know it's true. But a movie's a movie. It's not even important, it's entertainment. (don't get me wrong, I love films, but some are just, mehh). But I do like "The Social Network" though, just sayin'.

I guess facebook did get a little old, at least that's what I think everybody thinks. We curse it a little bit because of the social entanglement we got ourselves into. Friends we didn't want, relatives that just won't stop adding you as friends. "No we don't want to be your friend Aunty! (or Uncle or whomever that may be!)". I mean, this is where it gets us to. More complications. This isn't what we asked for or perhaps we weren't very sure what we wanted in the beginning. But we're already in too far, don't you think?

Well the point of this is that, I now no longer feel safe to write what I want for fear of being judged. I twit more than I facebook (this is now a verb, imagine that) but I get self-conscious all the time. Too much info gets me nowhere. Now I feel less mysterious than I already am.

Edit
Disclaimer: when this was posted, I had no bleeding idea that there was some changes done to facebook. Not important. I just thought you should know. Why?? I dunno..

In the mood for L.O.V.E.

2011-09-05T15:45:00.001+08:00

Back in KL but I gotta say, KL is a depressing city. Ironically, I'm in the mood for love. Yeah baby..all dressed up in love..enjoy!

My tribute...

2011-08-25T15:52:00.005+08:00

For Nick Drake, (19 June 1948 – 25 November 1974)

And in darkness he lays,

With sullen and wrong withered face,

Cold eyes staring at the moon,

Now wondering pretty heaven soon.

Dark days were his last,

Talk nothing and saying less,

Caught the eyes of one sad mouse,

Alas forgotten not unlike wedding vows.

I found below excerpt somewhere (not sure where it originated), but I think it's beautiful and appropriate.

...His room is quiet now. The bed is neatly made. A picture of a rough-and-tumble sea storm is framed over the bed. His old school desk, complete with coffee stain and pen, is pressed against a far wall. Volumes of Chaucer, Blake, Flaubert and Shakespeare peer down from a corner bookshelf. An old-fashioned radio sits ready and lonesome. His shirts are carefully folded in his dresser; his black sportcoat hangs loosely in his closet. Nick Drake isn't coming home tonight.

Stuck on the puzzle...[Part 2]

2011-08-23T12:53:00.007+08:00

I guess it's no longer a secret that I'm a big fan of Arctic Monkeys, most especially Alex Turner. Well, at least the friends now know. But Richard Ayoade, although not new to me, has never been mentioned before. Knew him from IT Crowd and was introduced later to Garth Marenghi's Darkplace. And found out later that he made The Last Shadow Puppets' video, "My mistakes were made for you"..and the rest is my little book of history ...

But that's not why I'm here though..today's topic is the "love letter". This is mental albeit funny...

Dear Jordana,

Thank you for letting me explore your perfect body. I could drink your blood.You're the only person I would allow to be shrunk to microscopic size and swim inside me in a tiny submersible machine. We've lost our virginity but it wasn't like losing anything. You're too good for me. You're too good for anyone.

Sincerely, Oliver.

Now then, the question is, would you sleep with him?

Stuck on the puzzle...

2011-08-19T11:57:00.001+08:00

I'm not the kind of fool who's gonna sit and sing to you about stars, girl...

I'm afraid I haven't been in a writing mood lately (or talking either) hence the silence of the web and rejection after rejection to "hang" so to speak. Despite being excited about everything else, this month seemed like some kind of a downer really. And I feel bad saying this as Ramadhan is suppose to be the good month and bestest even, due to the good things it brings to muslims around the world and is also a cause for celebratory mood, what with the coming Syawal and all.

Like Alex (Turner) said in his song "I tried to swim to the side, but my feet got caught in the middle". That's exactly how I feel. I don't mean to quote his words just for the sake of it as I almost gladly would every other day, but today, I really feel it. I just feel inspired by his words most of the time, what can I say. But like I said, I feel like I'm really stuck in between wanting and needing. Do I need to be with people? yes, maybe. But do I want to be with them? Absolutely Not.

No room for complaints..

2011-08-08T10:46:00.001+08:00

No. You don't get to hate Mondays now

[another one of Banksy's]

0% interest..

2011-08-03T09:27:00.001+08:00

It's been 3 days and I've been trying to be positive about it. Well, I am always positive about it, but it's as if I came ill-prepared. My body is rejecting it while my mind is actively accepting. My heart, I suppose, is not there. But I know deep inside that I'm getting there..so body, please be patient with me as I will with you..

I'm borrowing pictures from Banksy..and I think I might be for the next few posts..cos I'm in love baby..with ideas..

Me and you and everyone we know..

2011-07-29T09:50:00.005+08:00

Been feeling like I'm out of myself lately. Like the ghosts of Mr Scrooge's pasts. Floating around, looking over people's head when they're talking or having quiet conversations. Even when I'm having private conversations with friends, it's like I'm not even there.

It's been a long time since I dreamed at night. And lately, I dreamed a lot. Nothing specific or significant to my knowledge, just random stuffs. About me buying golf clubs, meeting people..I can't even remember cause it almost felt like it was a horrible, badly edited (i.e. very choppy) trailer but without the voice-over. Not sure if it's a good or a bad thing but I do remember feeling pretty weirded out by the dreams, followed by this quiet sense of satisfaction of some kind, later on. I'm still trying to make some sense over this dull, uninteresting and insignificant dreams that I'm sure have no meaning at all!

Un Bel Homme

2011-07-28T14:38:00.004+08:00

In keeping up with the spirit of everything beautiful..here's one Tahar Rahim, a beautiful man. (I prefer him bald though)

Forget me not..

2011-07-27T15:35:00.009+08:00

As usual, when someone mentioned something that (I think) requires some deep, undisturbed thoughts, I would go there..to that place, that dark corner where everyone would go to do some soul searching quest in finding answers to a soul searching question.

No? Just me then? Okay.

Well, it's so happened that the BIG question was "what's your biggest fear?". Crazy shit right? *sarcastically*. Nahh, minus ghosts and stuffs, my fears would be of the unknown, fear of being forgotten, fear of letting people down or letting myself down..pretty much around that area of being unsure of things. In short, I just don't want people to forget me. This, stemming from my lack of presence in the so-called blogworld (since I haven't been writing anything lately) - not that there're readers here anyway- but that's just beside the point.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, I'll post a picture or two every now and again (everyday, if I'm not so fuckin' lazy!)..just to keep up with things..make sure I'm not forgotten. or this blog is. or whatever..

La Belle Personne..which means "The Beautiful Person" which she is..Lea Seydoux I mean..my current lady-crush.

15 Gwyneth Herbert Only Love Can Break Your Heart

2011-03-07T00:02:00.001+08:00

15 Gwyneth Herbert - Only Love Can Break Your Heart

Found at: FilesTube

Words Without Borders

2011-02-28T17:43:00.001+08:00

It's funny how one thing always leads to another. I began by searching under a name of a director and saw that he liked a band that I've never even heard of. And then I started clicking away on links after links and voila! it's a website called kickstarter. What got me interested was the video in which certain people are being interviewed (always intrigued by interviews) about the books they've recently read (or currently reading). Well, books are something I am certainly drawn towards. Although, not an avid reader, I've always wanted to be one.

It is my greatest ambition, to live in a comunity where there are no barriers in terms of understanding and/or not limited to; each others culture, values and languages. My only fear is that people (or myself for that matter) start losing interest for the world, life, passion, etc etc.

So, I'm just putting this out here for (God-knows-who) to see and find out if they're interested while I learn a little bit more about it... :)

http://kck.st/htCPNf

Don't count on it...

2011-02-28T09:37:00.001+08:00

The thing is, I don't count too much on myself when it comes to all these emotional rides I'm on. I think I'm borderline depressive, sometimes neurotic kinda person. But then again, I won't count too much on it. I just love being expressive with my words, that's all. And yet, I'm not all that expressive in reality but virtually, yes. I don't know what the consequences are, for not being able to talk about it even with one person. I'd feel a little foolish to do it too. Because I know all these things. I understand it but can't comprehend the why's..perhaps I don't really understand it, no? short sigh, it's worrying me a bit, but then again, I wouldn't count on it...much?

The Simple Solution To One's Problems..

2011-02-22T10:13:00.001+08:00

I wish there's an answer to that. Well, there isn't. Everyone has problems and none of them are simple. It's not simple because the problem starts with us. Are we suppose to deal with it or are we to ignore it. The ultimate question always fall into our laps sooner or later. There's no way around it. The pen-ultimate question is, "is the problem ours?"
Sent by DiGi from my BlackBerry® Smartphone

Kafkaesque...not

2011-01-29T02:40:00.000+08:00

This february is going to be painful to me, I could just feel it, for reasons I'd rather not disclosed here. Just had a talk with a friend and it seemed "vaguely" clear what I'm about to experience by the end of next month. *long sigh*.

I'm not gonna be all dramatic about it, but I can sense a train-wreck-like of an emotion that are just gonna be too overwhelming for me to handle. For obvious reasons (at least to me), this, I can foresee, as one of the most emotional year for me. I have no hate for 2011, in fact, I have more love for it than I did 2010. But, for whatever it's worth, I'm looking out for myself this year. Or promised to. I have to. I can't be in a depressive mood all year long, can I? I would just die if I do...tssskk..

Here's hoping to a wonderful year ahead...

Franz Kafka (Piotr Dumala, 1992)

2011-01-24T21:52:00.005+08:00

Franz Kafka (Click Me)

Well, my plan to Hatyai didn't work out quite the way I imagined it would be. Alas I came back, although in one peace, sad as ever. The moment I arrived in KL and (finally) on my bed, I thought I would've cried my heart out but I didn't...or couldn't. I dunno....heck I'm still me, nothing's changed except for the debt I had forgotten to count on my way out (or deliberately forgotten to)...
Anyways.......no regrets [note to self].

On a totally different subject, here it is, something I randomly found and had an inkling to decidedly watch- a masterpiece by a Polish animator. An animation based on Kafka's diary entries. Sorry but I can't resist the need to quote his famous work;

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. He was laying on his hard, as it were armor-plated, back and when he lifted his head a little he could see his domelike brown belly divided into stiff arched segments on top of which the bed quilt could hardly keep in position and was about to slide off completely. His numerous legs, which were pitifully thin compared to the rest of his bulk, waved helplessly before his eyes." Wikipedia

it's Xmas time..

2010-12-20T23:54:00.002+08:00

and i'm going to hatyai. but...."sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name.." - not that they do in hatyai but they might on the train <-- (orait just leave it).

this time, i'm not gonna be...."leaving on a jet plane dont know when i'll be back again". it's gonna be...."choo choooo!! why don't you let her drive the train yeah.."

ok, enuf. i need to sleep.

EDIT: This post should be read by singing to the lyrics in "inverted commas"..

post without thinking..

2010-12-20T23:20:00.007+08:00

i think it is simply too reckless not to think about the future. but then again, i am not a reckless person by nature. in fact im almost the opposite. almost because i am never that careful a person. for instance, i have quite a forceful nature on the road. i may even be considered a bully albeit a fairly decent one, or one who only seek to bully those she thinks might not retaliate. yeah yeah whatever. it's simple as that. i am not that reckless when compared to being completely unaware of my own future. the future is bleak and i may seemed weak. but i dont ever give in to reality. i tend to dream when im awake, giving me the appearance of someone who might've seemed a little too content or sometimes even too sad. however, it's not in me to whine and dine and then be swine. i'd wake up the next morning and start all over again. the cycle may just never end. of course i hate it. who wouldn't. but this never detered me from living. although the living me might well be dead already, it doesn't matter. it'll only be for a while. come night time i would've just pulled up my blanket close to my chin, curled up in my lovely bed and shot straight to dreamland where nobody knows my name. na-night!

Andrew Bird, Spare-ohs...

2010-09-18T23:43:00.008+08:00

Andrew Bird walking around the streets of Paris (in Montmartre to be specific) and casually singing Spare-Ohs. Goodness me, listen to the violin at the beginning -- la vie est tres belle!!

Moon and meanings..

2010-09-16T20:53:00.002+08:00

The moon. This is about my mild obsession with it. The beauty of it is that it's flawed. The sweet referrence of "pungguk rindukan bulan" made it all the more lovely. It's ability to shine at night despite not having any lights made it a humble creation. Reflecting only the stolen fire of the sun gives it a robin hoody kinda feeling to it. But to call it a thief is close to disgraceful. Although, my possibly mild obsession with it doesn't come from it just being there, sitting quietly in the middle of the dark but from its unassuming identity. Staring at everyone during the night when nobody even cared for it's very existence.

To love it is to know for sure what you're getting yourself into. Beauty lies in the heart that desires it. Loneliness is even more apparent during night time. It sure is a reflection of your own self. Not a mirror but merely a deeper understanding of the so called life as you call it. Not neccessarily old news but an older version of someone's preach. How to resolve the complicated turnings of every points in life? The moment you step away from the dry source of coldness your own existence become less important. I believe in heaven but there's no such thing as heaven on earth. Even the heavenly coffee is bittersweet. The cake of life is the dessert from hell. Made to look and taste beautiful but beware of the evil it becomes..

tell me a secret...

2010-07-14T22:16:00.001+08:00

somewhere in the universe there's a pretty little world.
few of us have seen it, while others still waiting to see it.
what to make of this?
im starting to wonder that maybe it's not for everyone.
in that world where flowers are kept in the best garden
human can only imagine,
children are only heard laughing
and not a tear in their eyes
what to make of this?
to think that it does not exist, only hurt us more
i want to see the green water of the river,
i want to see the bluest cloudless skies..
i want to be there at the end of the rainbow..
just tell me where and i'll be there...

Don't wait

2010-06-08T23:01:00.000+08:00

When it's time to do it, just do it,
and while I still have it, I'd better enjoy it.
Love never waits, nor I,
And when a chance goes missing, look out for another one.
But when the timing seems wrong, don't hesitate.
Just wait a while, never a while longer.
And you'll see at the end, where the lights will be.

It's been a while..

2010-06-05T00:34:00.000+08:00

hisashiburi..

i think all i ever did was trying to escape this world of connections, a world where communication is just a keyboard away. it's been hard trying to live when everybody keeps moving forward, leaving me behind. at least that's how i felt. but just to keep everything on a positive note (for once), the past few days have been inspiring. i love that feeling. it happens once in a while (usually when you've been in a dark place for a long time) and i have to tell you that it's refreshing. i don't really know what came over me. but it feels something like when a big heavy metal has been lifted off your chest. its not satisfying nor it is gratifying..it's just a big sigh of relief. though it's not fully released yet, (still the pesimist i am), it's been a good sigh. just hoping to see a not-so-bleak future now. praying.

Someone like you

2010-06-05T00:21:00.001+08:00

...is simply amazing.

Dreamlike Night

2010-02-26T15:58:00.000+08:00

The sound of morning as I lay my head on the bed
woke me up with a start.

Dreaming of your existance,
I could stream the blue ocean and swim the red sky.
Still find me alone in the embrace of the unknown.
Sitting there on a stone in my own murky zone
and again I find me alone.

At the corner of the old town,
where we've cried and broken down
by arrows of a thousand frowns that shot me in the arm.
Crossed the heart I was disarmed with the weapon of my charm.

If you happen to come by,
would you stay for a while
let me catch your warmth
so I'll know your love won't harm.
Though you left while the sun was still warm
it never banishes the cold that you left me with, that night you went away...

Amanda Seyfried

2010-02-09T22:01:00.001+08:00

Beautiful Amanda Seyfried wrote the song on a plane according to Channing Tatum. Video shot by Channing Tatum. Source from HitRECord.org

Misanthrope seeks misanthrope

2010-01-13T19:37:00.005+08:00

ok, first of, I hate small talks. I can't stand it. I mean, what does it do anyway? Chances of making it to a bigger talk are slim anyway. If the person don't wanna talk, they don't wanna talk. Period. I don't see the point in making an effort. They may well just leave it to chances. That's what I'd do. Anyway, I don't think people who do small talks are in any way interested in people they inquire to begin with. It was some sort of a time-filler for them. But that's just what I think.

Maybe - again, just another theory - they're bored. Bored with the way their life is going, so they wanna make friends (as if). Or probably just to find a story that will make them feel better..I don't know..

I can't help with all these suspicions and negative thoughts about people's intentions. Especially when they seemed to be all cheery and fake or overly excited with their riddles-riddles-riddles. Yeah people can be sneakily subtle but we can always see through them. Human beings are either amazingly complex or so boringly simple they can go back to being apes - but that's according to Darwin.

So yeah, I'm a misanthrope, sue me.

My problem, I know..

2010-01-04T22:23:00.001+08:00

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I don't care about it anymore now that I've said my piece. I just want nothing to do with it. No, it wasn't animosity it was just me being 'too generous' with my words. A little tactless of me at some points but I really meant it at the time and I still do (I think). But thank you anyway, for letting me do that. Really appreciate it.

Maybe it was me who needed it the most. Part of a growing process kinda thing. I just need to let it rest. I've read before that it's also part of a quarter-life crisis thing but to be honest, this has been my problem long before I was even in my 20's. No, it's not a big problem I know, but it sure has severed many ties that was once undetered by my being the way I am. But people being people, we change, or have the tendency to change. I can't really say that I have or will or even should. But I know wrong when I had done one. But I am such a schmuck that I just don't see a way out of this by apologising. So here I am, unapologetic as I am, trying my best to take all the blame just cos I know it's mine and wish for nothing in return.

What people don't dare say...

2009-12-28T23:31:00.000+08:00

What I feel like right now can only be translated in sentence containing words like "time, life, hate and too fast". I'm going to confess right now that the moment I say 'Happy New Year' to people, I won't actually mean it. Don't take it to heart. It's really personal.

2009 felt like a few posts ago and I really want to tell everybody that right now, I'm not ready for 2010. This time, I'm running away from it. Not by means of un-celebrating it, just un-mentioning it or rather expressing it in a different way; a hateful way. So, a mournful farewell to 2009 (which by the way, wasn't that eventful afterall), you will be missed...

Classic idiocy..

2009-12-28T23:05:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm letting myself down these past few days. Not that it matter much to me but I hate feeling like a complete arse when I lost my head for a while. Honestly, it's easy to do when you're pretty much been forced to be where you don't want to be or when you ought to be alone and spare yourself from the feeling of being provoked all the time. I mean I should be expecting it but when it actually happened, I couldn't hold it in for more than 2 seconds. Words came out of my mouth when it shouldn't and my fear for the worst granted. Things got blown out of proportions and feelings was hurt and then other people got involved and more people got hurt. What do I do now? I'd cry my guts out if it could turn things around but the wrongs was mine and I know I ought to take more responsibility in it, and I really hope I did. I can only right my own wrongs not other peoples. I only hope they did their parts and unhurt the hurts..although this would not be at all possible, but at least they might be able to make things better.

Mauvais Sang

2009-12-16T00:35:00.005+08:00

All I know about tonight is the redness of it all. Red is the feeling that I'm feeling and Red is the perfect colour of blood. Perfect is because Red scares you (or you think it did). So I gave up upon it a little while ago but I can't stop saying of the Red, Red and Red again. My oh my have I lost it to the war already? People are so self-absorbed nowadays, unless if it leads to something it will all be forgiven! but if it's not, I will have to cry my eyes out and hope the world for the better. Put the lights out please..I need some blackness rather than redness..sigh!

Chaotic=Romantic

2009-12-12T21:21:00.008+08:00

Not really a typical quirky romantic movie but definitely a typical Delpy. She's gorgeous than usual and Adam Goldberg played a wonderful neurotic boyfriend. I like!

[knock knock!] The interrupting cow...

2009-12-12T21:08:00.007+08:00

Everything matters...

2009-11-10T23:50:00.005+08:00

What people say, what people think. Whatever I say, whatever I think. It all matters. People keep saying "don't worry what others might think" but how can you not? When it all matters!

Everyday 'people' and everyday 'things' shape our minds and how we think. You cannot escape. You keep telling yourself (what Tyler would've told himself everyday), "You are not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the shoes you wear. You are not the content of your wallet". It wouldn't help. It didn't help me... Well maybe, for a day or two..but then poofffhh..you're back on it again. It's a vicious, vicious cycle..

One Art

2009-11-10T23:27:00.002+08:00

"I only take what means the most to me...at the moment"

The art of losing isn't hard to master.
...
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master....

[excerpts from Elizabeth Bishop's poem]

bitterness...

2009-11-08T17:32:00.002+08:00

Whenever I see other people, I always think about me. How unhappy I am or how desirable their lives were..for me. I am conflicted with wanting and resisting at the same time...

Fiendish wander...

2009-11-05T00:05:00.005+08:00

I'd like to begin my sentence with something clever, but I've got nothing. My thoughts are shallow and my heart seemed a little distant from my mind. Words are my own worst enemy. I betrayed myself easily with words. I fumbled and stumbled in my sentences. I even mumbled my words making them unrecognizable even to me. My pseudo intellectual thoughts and words coming out of my mouth were only believable to people who didn't understand them. But maybe, they're not bothered enough to try. I don't blame them.

I am scared shit. I am scared of everything I said. I think too much of what to say. I think too much even for birthday wishes. I took my time but came up with nothing. I irked myself for the tiniest mistakes I made and find it hard to forgive when I recalled it. I only managed to get away with it by making myself forget and say "it's over and done, there's nothing you can do about it.." over and over and over...

I am my own fear..wish I could just forget everything.."No fear, no distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide"

Down deep...

2009-11-01T13:28:00.006+08:00

" I think you should come back up to Cambridge right away, and we need to think about some very aggressive form of treatment. I'm worried about what's happened to you over the last few weeks. And you're always saying, 'What do I have to do to get people to take me seriously?' Well, listen, you don't have to try to kill yourself first. I take you seriously now. I think I might be able to arrange with Stillman or one of the other Harvard hospitals to have you checked in as a full-time patient, with me supervising your case through one of the doctors I know there."

I'm silent. I'm stunned.

" But the first thing you've got to do is get back here where I can see you. I can't be much help by phone."
" Dr Sterling " I whimper.
" Yes? "
" Thanks."

[Excerpts from...Prozac Nation 1994]

The Bluest of Day...

2009-09-12T15:53:00.010+08:00

The cloudy shades of morning reflected a piece of a broken heart. Not another day in paradise, Not another day when the ocean calls your name. BLUE is the time of day, BLUE is the black of now. what was it that caught my eyes? the face? the heart? or the brain? but it's never mine to have. still i am glad to find that the heart is not dead, it is still there gasping on the last bit of COLD air.... ANDit'sGeTTIngToOcROWDEDtoMAKEspaceFORnewONES...

When it's just too good to be true...

2009-09-07T22:57:00.003+08:00

Assuming that everyone needs something to hold on to, you know, like a faith or something, makes me wonder, if being insecure has anything to do with it. But faith and religious beliefs aside, I always feel like I have to have something to grasp on. Something that can make my life feels about as real as the boys from Arctic Monkeys. Cos when I think about it, it's not such a bad thing you know, wanting some sort of evidence to show that your life is real?

But, like every other damn things in life, these so-called "happiness" is merely shortlived. They come and go without as much as warnings. One day you're completely loss, tomorrow, there you are singing in the shower totally crazy jumping up and down. And suddenly, the next moment, you're thinking all these mad feelings like you're about to scream "Im The King of The World!!" were just bottled up, absolutely shut tight like you're just not able to scream it out. Like you have all these power to do anything you want in the world, but you just can't. And then it goes all the way back to where you first started. Empty. Talk about real frustration huh?

2046

2009-08-29T13:29:00.011+08:00

It's not a year but it has everything to do with time. It's also a place or maybe just a state of mind. Place or time when love was lost and never found. People travel a long way by train just to reach and find this place where it is believed nothing ever changed. Those who resist may never find their way back. Those lucky enough to realize, will come back with nothing more than a revelation and a freedom from their own wicked past...

Interesting? No?

It's a great concept if you ask me. I'd surely be the first on the train if I ever saw one. Just to find out what I've lost. Or what was never mine in the first place. I wish to see my regrets. I want to treasure them. They are part of the past that belongs to me and me alone...

Can't wait to see this....

2009-08-16T14:35:00.004+08:00

Stills from the new upcoming movie (500) Days of Summer...might not be released in Malaysia though..that's a shame...maybe I'll go down to Singapore (??) ;P

A little less conversations...

2009-08-16T14:20:00.010+08:00

I love movies..I love how it inspired me sometimes. But I also hate it when I'm being fickled about it. A movie can make my day today but I may not feel the same a few weeks after. Those few weeks can sometimes made me forget how beautiful the movies were in the first place..and how much it had meant to me days before.

Like right now? I'm inspired just reading about Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Is it him? Or is it the movie I wanna see him in? It's a little bit of both of course, but how I wish that I could love each and every movie I've loved as a whole without the slightest feeling of prejudiced or biased. And my thoughts on sharing the joy and happiness of a movie? I dunno, I hate sharing things with people who don't value the things I value or just don't value it the same way I valued it. It's complicated but I guess it's what being a human being is all about...the complexity of emotions are but a jist of everything else that are so messed up in the world.

So, what inspired you? What pricks that little heart of yours? Films are not very unlike real lives. That's why I love them. They're the beautified version of what reality is. I lose myself easily in movies, dramas or music even. Because it's way exciting than dealing with everyday drama. Daily dramas are boring and mostly exagerrated by queens. On-screen dramas are way cooler and they don't concern you sometimes. You can easily get in and out of it.

I find my everyday subjects mostly boring. People talking about issues they read in papers cause they don't have anything better to talk about. It's tiring just being around these people, well I guess it tires them to be around me too ~ hmmph, talk about being original. It's hard to even find 1 original topic a day to talk about with the lots. I'm tired of countless of meaningless conversations that I get into everyday. What a shame. I may be defying social comforts here, well, let's be honest, it's just how I feel sometimes. I refuse to get involved in meaningless conversations all the time. I get angry. I can put up with it every now and then, but when it gets frustrating, it gets really frustrating...I'll start feeling worst and worst everytime I try...so better not try at all I said. Just let them talk and be done with it. But I find solace in blogging..it's liberating...and comforting =)

On requirement to be different...

2009-08-11T23:01:00.006+08:00

1. Think outside the box. See, I have no idea what this means. To think outside the box might be to think of the unthinkables. But if you're able to think of the unthinkables, wouldn't it be called thinkables then? So what is, thinking OUTSIDE the box then? enlighten me please...

2. Be original. Ok, now how do you define originality? If it is to be yourselves, then I guess nobody should have any say on this except for, well, yourselves. Whose to say I'm not what I'm not? What if I'm already myself but people merely thought I'm not original enough. What if being myself simply means being someone I knew to be myself? How else you gonna dig that 'someone-whose-actually-you' out? At least I think that's original enough? Anyway, I heard this from a french movie I saw the other night. There are 3 person inside of everyone. (I'm paraphrasing). The person you want to be, the person you think you are, and the person you truly are. The first two is the most familiar, but the third person is the most stranger to you. Hmm, come to think of it, I guess I'll never ever get to know the real me cos all of this equations is actually making me even more confused than I already am...

3. Ok the third one, which may well be the trickiest one is "To choose your friends". This could turn out to work pretty much against you. Though "friends" defines you and who you are, the tricky part of it is, you don't normally choose these friends. They come in your life whether you want them to or not. There are those who filter their friends, but those who don't, it's cause they don't have the heart to refuse. But friends are just one tiny crack at the bottom of the ocean. When they're harmless, they're harmless. But when they crack, then BOOM! Tsunami. But of course, you do need a little smack from the ocean sometimes...life's unpredictable, but that's where the fun is...

p/s: i'll keep changing my mind about this post...way too random for my taste..

I am the walrus (coo coo kachoo!)

2009-05-20T22:47:00.002+08:00

"The little cracks they escalated. And before we knew it was too late...when will you learn? "

Shit, I'm tired of trying. Explaining myself over and over and over...like I have to prove something. I should just stop. I need to feel more relaxed when I'm around people. I hate people reading my thoughts but at the same time, I want them to. I hate it when I'm being picked on. It can be funny sometimes, but even funny has limits..agree?

If you haven't ask the right question, then you're not there yet..

2009-05-20T21:57:00.011+08:00

It's all in the questions you ask to see whether or not you're interested. I assumed that people who don't ask the right question were just not interested..yet. Maybe they're "just not that into me" (like it matters?) but the question remained; why bother, if you're not that interested?

Sound selfish if I say I'm not looking for friends..but trust me, I'm not. But that doesn't mean that I don't find certain people interesting? Well, there you go, you're just not interesting enough for me.

I think I'm not interested in people who're not interested. But if they find me interesting? I'm all mouths and ears...(I might as well scream "I'M VAIN AS HELL!!")

Ada Apa Dengan Cinta? (literally translated as "What is it with Love?"

2009-05-17T22:50:00.001+08:00

It's hard not to get a little obsessed over this movie. It's been years since I last watched it. Seeing it again for the 2nd hundreth times makes it feels like my youth has returned..after what felt like a decade ago, I can still see why everyone got so involved in this phenomenon when it was first shown outside of Indonesia (I'm talking about those obsessions over Rangga and Cinta in Malaysia). I think even the so-called Rangga himself was tired of it all. Sorry Nicolas Saputra, that you had to endure all those fangirls calling you Rangga over and over..

So, I'm here for a reason and that reason being..to post the poems from AADC..here goes:

Kulari ke hutan kemudian teriakku
Kulari ke pantai kemudian menyanyiku
Sepi...sepi dan sendiri aku benci
Aku mau bingar...aku mau di pasar
Bosan aku dengan penat
Dan enyah saja kau pekat
Seperti berjelaga jika ku sendiri
Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai
Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh!
Aihh..ada malaikat menyulam jaring laba-laba belang
di tembok keraton putih
Kenapa tak goyangkan saja loncengnya biar terdera
Atau aku harus lari ke hutan
Belok ke pantai?

===========================

Perempuan datang atas nama "Cinta"
Bunda pergi karena "Cinta"
Digenangi air racun jingga adalah wajahmu
Seperti bulan lelap tidur di hatimu
Yang berdinding kelam dan kedinginan
Ada apa dengannya?
Meninggalkan hati untuk dicaci
Lalu sekali ini aku melihat karya surga
Dari mata seorang hawa
Ada apa dengan "Cinta"?
Tapi aku pasti akan kembali
Dalam satu purnama
Untuk mempertanyakan kembali cintanya..
Bukan untuknya, bukan untuk siapa
Tapi untukku
Karena aku ingin kamu
Itu saja.

Bimbang by Melly Goeslow

2009-05-17T21:15:00.005+08:00

Pertama kali aku tergugah
Dalam setiap kata yang kau ucap
Bila malam telah datang
Terkadang ingin ku tulis semua perasaan

Kata orang rindu itu indah
Namun bagiku ini menyiksa
Sejenak ku fikirkan untuk ku benci saja dirimu
Namun sulit ku membenci

Pejamkan mata bila kuingin bernafas lega
Dalam anganku aku berada disatu persimpangan jalan yang sulit kupilih

Ku peluk semua indah hidupku
(I embraced all of my life story)
Hikmah yang ku rasa sangat tulus
(It's all so sincere)
Ada dan tiada cinta bagiku tak mengapa
(Whether or not there's love, it's alright with me)
Namun ada yang hilang separuh diriku
(Still, part of me was lost forever)

Random thoughts..

2009-05-04T00:40:00.005+08:00

I've always thought that I'm at least likeable after a while. But I guess that's not the point anymore. When I was little, I made quite a few impressions on people. I've always liked to be liked. But who doesn't right? But I always felt that I had to try harder than some. It's like it's an ability that people see in you that made you capable to have friends in an instance. I, on the other hand, only attract troubles and causes despair.

My inability to be honest or truthful about my feelings seemed to be the way of my making friends. Although, I must say that I always say the right things and stir up thoughts or provoked them at some point. This somehow makes me popular in my own little group. Not that I'm unhappy with it, but I have and always have been seen as somewhat the group's mentor/advisor/shrink. Sounds charming right? - No. Not at all.

My personal take on this? "It's always a struggle". When you're the 'go-to' person for your friends, you have nobody to go to. This is emotionally even intelectually frustrating. No matter how hard I tried, it's hard to convey a straight truth about my feelings without the slight chance of becoming embarrassingly self-concious about it and the fact that nobody seems to be listening only increases the chance of it not being told in the first place...but it can't be helped though is it? It's just who I am.

Across The Universe...

2009-04-11T10:11:00.009+08:00

Paris, March 2009:

Not so lost in translation I suppose?

London, March 2009:

Crossing the Abbey Road was one of the best experiences in London..

Rome, March 2009:

...when in Rome.

Mother

2009-03-17T06:46:00.008+08:00

Just felt like sharing..

Mother, you had me, but I never had you
I wanted you, you didn't want me
So I, I just got to tell you
Goodbye, goodbye

Father, you left me, but I never left you
I needed you, you didn't need me
So I, I just got to tell you
Goodbye, goodbye

Children, don't do what I have done
I couldn't walk and I tried to run
So I, I just got to tell you
Goodbye, goodbye

Mama don't go...
Daddy come home...

John Lennon "Mother"

No, not this tide...

2009-03-17T05:34:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I notice the distance in her eyes.
She wouldn't answer any of my callings.
Sitting there like a bird perched on a tree, escaping all our reaches.
She looked over the branches not minding us down here.
As if there's a world she's seeing up there that only she can understand.
The further away her eyes looked, the further the distance between us was felt.
But what I don't understand is, no one seemed to understand her.
But I do, and she knows it.
Sure it wasn't enough, I understand that but if only she could be satisfied with it.
Sometimes people came in and held her view,
which was appreciated but no one understood how much.
Cos there's no way of telling.
When something is good, it just felt good.
No words can ever be described as well.
Part of me think that she's losing the battle but another part think that she's winning,
but instead of the world, it's her soul that she's fighting for.
I doubt that she thinks the same.
She just doesn't know...

Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place

2009-02-14T06:03:00.002+08:00

Where would you go if you can't leave a place but don't have the nerve to stay either? If it has to be compromised maybe staying is exactly what we'd do. For fear of hurting anyone or fear of hurting ourselves hence making someone hate us, we obliged.

Those of us who swam against the current have always been talked about or even shunned in a way or other. People may want to believe what they believe and never give a damn about the truth. They simply forget. Truth is always there whether you want it or not. Some people just got used to being lied to that they can't even bother anymore. It worries me, that living in a society that is far too conforming it's sickening. Sick of the people who judge us by the way we live. Sick of people who's too afraid to do things they wanted to anymore. Sick of people who just simply live without feeling it in their skin that they're alive somewhere. Changing jobs or going on vacations is not gonna change anything either folks, don't forget that. For once do something impulsive people, please. Dream a little. Live a lot more...

The Lost Child

2009-02-08T06:55:00.007+08:00

There are things you can't recall..
Things we saw as an innocent child.
There are things forgotten but a lot less remembered.
It's like climbing on mountains of sand like a child,
Riding bicycle around blocks of houses.
Playing hide and seek in deserted homes,
Yelling out for stolen slippers.
Daydreaming of school days and of growing up.
Waiting by the front door for the bus that never came.
Ahh if I can only recall of just beautiful days..

Belief

2009-01-14T01:51:00.006+08:00

It divides us more than it did uniting us. Hmm...could the simplest act of believing be the reason why we all feel so alone every freakin' day? It tires me out thinking of all these bullshits about "trying". I know that I haven't tried hard enough, I haven't done much enough but is it my fault if I also believe that none of this would come to any good? Is it my fault that I just stopped believing?

I believe in the goodness of people - but I doubt that that's enough for all of us. It's not enough to save the world. I just don't have the faith to even try anymore. It's sad..but mostly I'm upset that I just simply lost it. I simply lost the will, the trust and the courage to help overcome all these miserable things that's been happening around us. Not trying to make it sound hopeless but it's like..hope is all there is to it. I mean, if someone could show me how it can work maybe I'll start appreciating it a bit more. The efforts people have been putting in, although it may seem so little, it actually worth more than we think it did. Seeing all this somehow makes me want to believe..if only it's as easy...

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin..

2009-01-02T09:30:00.010+08:00

I'm a little sad to say goodbye to 2008. There are so many 'unfinished businesses' left unattended. With the heaviest heart, I slowly carried myself to 2009. It's already day 2 and it's not looking any good.

Well, technically a new year is just like another episode from a series of our entire lifespan. Today is no different than yesterday and this year is no better than the last. I'm not sure why I made such a big deal over it, probably because I really wanted to look forward to something else rather than holding on to something that I'm just not so sure about. I've got so many questions that I'm supposed to have answers to. And I just can't get over it. I needed some kind of revelation or maybe a closure that I could cling on to. It feels like I'm on this huge terrible swing that kept on swinging and it's impossible to get off.

It must be the 'guilt' again. The words are true then, GUILT IS A WICKED GHOST! Until I can find a way to overcome it, I would most probably have to hold on to it. Hopefully it'll all pass..

So, this year should be a good year for me, I think (!?) . So many things I've planned to do and I think I might just do! I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hope things will just magically fall into places. And by magic I don't mean little cute elves or oompa loompas. I meant my magical-organised-freak of a sister who will surely come in handy at this (if you're reading: peace!!)

-- Can't wait for it to happen..IF it's going to happen! We should start moving now!

Alls Well Ends Well..

2008-12-31T17:40:00.003+08:00

Where I'm going to be before midnight tonight?
- Somewhere quiet..

Who with?
- Old friends..

What I'm gonna do?
- Probably have dinner and talk. Have a peek on each other's ridiculous new year's so called resolutions..

What I'm gonna do some time after?
- Dwell on the past. Hope to be forgiven and maybe..just maybe have a nice first day of the new year..wish me luck..

It's cloud illusions I recall...

2008-12-30T11:01:00.012+08:00

It's almost the beginning of the year and my mind is all cluttered with the cloudiness of the past. It's not a good thing to bring forward such animosity with you. The future is now obscured by the dark clouds..

Looks like I'm nowhere near savouring my future. With this burden at hand, I guess I might have to face the music sooner or later. But being the typical me, the word 'soon' is seemingly way too soon. The only way I can deal with this is to just shrug it off my shoulders and avoid it by any means possible.

What I could not possibly understand is why some things just mattered soo much when they shouldn't. I've looked into this. I've gone real deep. Almost to no man's land and yet I have found nothing. No remorse whatsoever. But then again, it felt important enough for me to go to great length to justify the situation. It could've been guilt that I'm feeling now. It's a wicked feeling and it made me uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean I should be accountable for it.

So, a note to a dear old cloud:
I think we're both at fault. I've claimed mine..when are you going to claim yours?

I've wondered if we can ever rationalise it in a way that can benefit us both. But this kind of fairness is utterly impossible. It's got to be one of us and there can be no other way. If you choose to forgive me maybe you can get over it. But I can see now how impossible it would be for you to do just that. So rain on me cloud, rain all you want. Maybe someday you will find peace within you and let the poor sun shines through if that's okay..

Joni

2008-12-25T19:41:00.016+08:00

I've thought of taking just a few lines from the lyrics and post it as part of my next subject matter but I felt compelled to post the whole thing. It's inevitable..so enjoy..

Rows and flows of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and they snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow

It's cloud illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way that you feel

As ev'ry fairy tale comes true

I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show

You leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

It's love's illusions that I recall

I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends, they're acting strange

They shake their heads, and they tell me that I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

Remembrance of Things Past...

2008-12-12T11:37:00.015+08:00

Well, New Year's goal is such a cliche..so let's talk about the past. What have been your greatest regret(s) for the past 1 year? And if given the chance, do you wish you can start over? It is my odious intention to gladly discuss about regrets when others would feel that it should've been ignored or forgotten or even forgiven. I simply think it's admirable if anyone can bring about their regrets and talk about it willfully without scorn. So, for this upcoming new year's celebration, I'll probably wallow on the past and have my one last blessed cry before I begin my new year. And let there be light at the end of that tunnel...that's all I can hope for.

So Goodbye Old Year; Welcome New Year...

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.

William Shakespeare

Caring Is Creepy...

2008-12-04T09:12:00.008+08:00

I suddenly found myself in dire need to be around somebody...anybody. It's not that I was gonna hurt myself if I wasn't but I think I almost had some sort of a panic attack. Before it goes too wild, I just thought I'd better get out of it.

What exactly was I panicking about? I'm not even sure myself. All I know is that for the first time in my life..I felt more alone than ever. And it's not something that I haven't already known...it's the one thing I've always lived with and certain about..well up until this morning that is. Someone told me once that I have trust issues. I didn't correct her because I know that that was true. I'm not proud of it. It's not a principal that I live by, it's just the way it is.

I admit that I envy those who have the ability to trust. Although I could not contain myself from thinking them foolish by being so. But it's not so much of trusting as it is about being privy. As a friend once said, I have too big a bubble I surrounded myself with to keep others from entering. She couldn't be more right. I hardly let anyone in that bubble. It's far too comfortable to share it with anyone. I'm selfish that way and I can't imagine being otherwise. I've been in trouble with friends before because of this so-called bubble. It's been getting in the way of friendships and it still haven't burst out yet. It's not my intention to care too much about the bubble but I think its getting more and more out of control. But the question is, "Do I want to be saved?"

The most inconvenient truth..

2008-11-27T14:07:00.020+08:00

Last night I took the train ride home. I was standing the whole way. It took me a while before I can realize that I'm standing among these idiots. Idiots who selfishly trying to get home. And so I'm glad that I'm not one of them, and that I'm not part of their world either. The world that's ruined without anybody noticing. But, what I do find ironic was how our lives flash passed us, like the train did the stations.
But unlike the train, we didn't want it to go so fast.
Cause when in trains, every stop is a drag.
It's every minute of time wasted.
Waiting for everyone to come in..
Waiting for the doors to close in..
Waiting and waiting till it starts to move again.
How the sighs of relief can be heard across the seats.
Each time the doors are closing..
Each time we leave the platforms..
And here we are,
Reaching our destinations,
Thinking that we're home again..

Dear Felicity....

2008-11-18T10:16:00.013+08:00

It's amazing how we blame ourselves. You know, when John died, I was a wreck. Certain that somehow, cosmically I'd caused that accident. It's probably just human nature to try to make sense of things -- random things. I think the scariest part is realizing that sometimes bad things just happen -- no reason, no purpose, they just occur. And we're left to pick up the pieces. I guess that's what we're all doing, all the time. Picking up the pieces the best we can...

Love,

Sally

À La Recherche Du Temps Perdu

2008-11-06T16:49:00.005+08:00

It's that heavy feeling you've been carrying all week. Nothing anyone say or do make any sense. There's serenity in the staring of a wall. That little room you're in feels wider than they're supposed to...and all that unknown sense of familiarity's gone.

Like you're drowning...yet still able to breathe. It's asphyxiating but in a more graceful order. Nothing dramatic nor traumatic. Feels rather good somehow...in a strange subtle way. But it gets more and more depressing when you begin to connect with reality. Gradually you lose that elements of knowing and understanding. That little moment you had was lost at sea. And there it lays, calmly, in the depth of the water, until it's time to resurface...yet again.

The Fever...

2008-10-24T15:37:00.009+08:00

It's been a constant observation of mine to see how much people have been talking about money lately. It's a comfort to have money. But money is a nasty business if you ask me. If we take that comfort away, and just simply live, wouldn't that be great? It'll be a harder kind of life but that's the way life is right? A challenge -- so why make it easy?

Anyways, having said all that...I'm still no different from the rest of you lot. I talk about money and being rich as well. It's not something you can avoid, you know. "Living in a material world" and all that shit..but I've been thinking -- (and it usually never ends well for me) -- I've been asking myself, "what kind of a world are we living in?". You see people everywhere, obsessed about lands and wealth. It's not an easy thing to completely detach myself from all of these worldly obsessions especially when you're surrounded by those who actually work for money. People are expecting a return of some sort even when there's no tears or sweat involved. Some people are just downright shameless when it comes to money. I don't even know what's fair anymore. Who are more deserving? Those who are lucky enough to get education and earn their living with their qualifications or those who work their asses off day after day? And whenever we think of money, we only think of how short we are on it. You can't hear people complaining for having too much. It's impossible. It's becoming far too important for our own sakes. We have all become creatures of greed.

It's not enough to just educate ourselves about important things. It's vital for us to at least feel and know the importance of the things and hopefully someday, act on it. Even the slightest change makes a whole lot of difference to the world. Perhaps when we no longer have greed in us, we'll learn to appreciate smaller things...

If I Could Change The World...

2008-10-23T11:00:00.012+08:00

I realized that I can't change anyone's mind but I tried to anyway. To succumb under pretentious impression "agree to disagree" is not an option. I determined my territory, put a mark upon it and tenaciously kept my grip on it. To everyone's greatest dismay, very often I savagely goad people to make myself heard and understood. I may seem immovable, but that's just another misconception about me.

"I was once forced to yield and see the world the same way as others. Now I am adamant to resist. I first came to the world blindfolded and loving it. And then a sudden turn around the corner of life causes my blindfolds to be ripped apart. The burn in my eyes was hard to endure. Although it takes a while, I finally remember how to see.."

Walden; or, Life In The Woods

2008-09-23T11:40:00.004+08:00

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary.

I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan—like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it..."

-- Henry David Thoreau --

...and the world will live as one

2008-09-12T12:35:00.013+08:00

It feels a little unnerving just talking about passions. It's like putting your thoughts out there for people to either accept or reject. Like putting yourself on trial and let the rest of the world be the judges. I feel the need to be agreed to and I tried my hardest to be understood and accepted. It's really hard to find someone who agrees with you and see the world as "wonderfully" as you do. (see how I highlighted the word "wonderfully"?). Some people listen and analyse and then they agreed but totally forget about it later. Goes to show how unimportant it is to them. It pisses me off. It's ironic because that's what I treasure most in people; their unique thoughts. I know I can't blame anyone for having their own opinion, but I really hate it when I can't convince them to see things the way I see it. I'm what some would call "intense", if you still haven't got that figured out already.

It's vain if you think you're superior than everyone else and I'm sure that's true. But, what I'm trying to say here is that I sometimes feel a little superior? but I never think less of people..or at least people I don't know..hopefully. It doesn't make much sense, I know. The fact is, I don't judge people on first-meeting basis, maybe not entirely. Instead I just kept it in for a while. Take my preconceived notion on those people, and gave them a chance before weighing my judgement. That wouldn't be vain, would it? Maybe superior isn't the right word here. It's my analytical conscience that gets in the way of myself. It's stupid but I can't help it.
I admit sometimes that I'm a little intense. Maybe a bit over the edge is more like it. But, there's something inside me that feels like I'm built to be disatisfied with everything. If others don't complaint, I would..on their behalf. But when others complaint, I usually just kept quiet or maybe even contradict them until they give up and shut up. In my defense, I didn't do it for my own amusement. I'd like to think that I'm always looking out for different angles when seeing things. It's not me trying to be different but me trying to look out for other options. See the world from a different point of view even to the smallest of scales. Something must be wrong or even right with my heart and brain -- that, I'll never know. I'm like one of those artificial intelligence robot that learns by first analysing and then reason it out. But there's nothing artificial about that I suppose. It's perfectly natural. I mean, it's perfectly human, I'M perfectly human. I just want to be heard.

You know what Marilyn Manson said about the two infamous boys from Columbine High who supposedly were influenced by his music? They asked him what he would've said to the boys had he been given the chance to? His answer was that he won't say anything, he would just sit there and listen to the boys cos that's what no one did. Maybe he was right after all. Everybody wants to be heard. Not judged. How amazing is that? If people would just start listening for a change?

Picture this..

2008-07-22T16:40:00.012+08:00

Common mistakes of your lives..

i) After a long suffering years of studying and almost killing yourself doing it, you've only just realised that it wasn't your dream afterall. You're now stuck in a job you don't like; a life you don't want.

ii) You've been living your life out of courtesy just to make sure you fit in with other people's terms..

iii) After years and years of claiming yourself to be a caffeine addict, you've just come to terms with the fact that you can't stand caffeine, and never did.

Life is such an unexpectable journey in which you will learn to appreciate what you've lost, and longed for what you don't have.

But what if it's not too late to act on it? I say, leave the job, ditch the friends and quit the caffeine. You can save up an entire lot of energy by not putting up with things you don't want to put up with in the first place. Lets just say that this is the time for you to just leave your regret behind and start anew regardless of whether or not you are way overdue. Who sets the date anyway? Frankly, I'm tired of being polite my whole life. I just want to start doing things of my own and get it done in my own time. The beauty of it is just the idea of it, the whole idea of having control over your life whenever possible without anyone ever touching that little part of your life. That tiny little part in you who wants the freedom to choose and not be guilty by the choices made. It's like when you're trying on new clothes, there's always someone there hovering and criticising your every choice. Why do we need constant reminders from someone who hasn't the faintest idea of what we are and what we are like? Shopping is supposed to be therapeutic - for some - so why stressed over it?

It's hard to let go of something you've been holding on to for so long. Old habits die hard don't they? But apparently, it's even harder to keep up with the pressure of retaining that so-called selfless good deed you've been doing all your life. It's time to stop doing other people favours and focus on your own. Do what you think is right. Why make decisions based on what they think is right or because everyone else agreed is right when you can make your own choice and just let them live with it. Let them get distressed this time. So what if the choice is not the right ones? People make mistakes and they're allowed another chance. They always do...

"Little Miss Sunshine"
Frank: Ever heard of Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach?

Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent twenty years writing a book almost no one reads. But...he was also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he gets down to the end of his life, he looks back and he decides that all the years he suffered -- those were the best years of his life. Because they made him who he was. They forced him to think and grow, and to feel very deeply. And the years he was happy? Total waste. Didn't learn a thing.

Liar Liar...

2008-07-18T16:38:00.014+08:00

How do you start writing honestly when you can't even be honest to yourself to begin with. It's important to be honest to yourselves first before anyone else. I was never honest myself, or perhaps just not entirely. I guess if we really really look at it, we are all dishonest people. You have to admit that truth can be frightening sometimes. It's either embarassing or ego-bruising. It can sometimes hurt other people too. But no matter how bad one truth is, it's always the best way to go.

You know that feeling you get when you're afraid of letting people down? It's proven harder to face that look of dissapointment others give especially when you know your reasons are feeble. So you resort to telling complicated lies instead of the simple truth. Well, let's face it, you'll feel better and so will the person you're lying to. But is it worth it?

I sometimes got carried away with lies cos I somehow feel obligated to protect certain people from the truth. Mostly the truth about my feelings or how I feel at times. For me, it's just hard to say "No", so I prefer saying "Yes" instead, even when the actual answer should've been "No". And when I start saying "No", it usually ends with "a grandmother tales" of how I had to be here or - "No, I'm not mad" - combined with the almost concealable fake-smile (depending on situations).

And the silly thing is, I did all that out of fear of confrontations. Questions like "how come you don't spend time with us anymore", or "how come you only do such and such with these people and not me" or whatever it is, are making it irritatingly impossible for me to answer truthfully. I just don't understand why it should be anyone's problem who I choose to spend my time with? I seriously don't understand why it matter so much to some people? It's not because they care about me, it's because they only care about them!

The Pursuit of Happyness

2008-07-16T17:07:00.006+08:00

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" Leo Tolstoy

I'm beginning to believe that happiness does not exist. Perhaps happiness only exist in moments. Typically, days like graduations, weddings and such, can be considered as our happy moments. For some people, those days could just be the opposite. I believe that human being can never be truly happy. Human have desires and so long as we have our desires in tact, we can never be truly happy. Content, maybe. But only for a moment. If one little achievement can make you happy, I can assure you that it can only do much.

Lately...I have not seen one happy people.

It's human nature to complain even when we already got what we wanted. If it's not white, it's too black. If it's not small, it's too big. One thing that irritates me a lot is the way people blame each other for their unhappiness. Do you think they'll be happy if they have no one to blame? Absolutely not. And I really hate it when people indulged in their self-pity. Wallowing over how pathetic their life is. What do you want to hear? Words of comforts? Go fuck yourselves! I'm not in the mood.

Making sense...

2008-06-19T17:34:00.007+08:00

I think it's really scary when you first discovered yourself. It's like almost not knowing who this new person is. Even if it's just a little discovery, it always scared the hell out of me. We pretend to know everything about our inner selves that we reject every comments or critism laid upon us. It is presumptous to think that all those things were said to hurt us thus makes us forget about the truth.

Which one of these encapsulate you? Good? Bad? Plain? Neat? Freak? I think we are all of those...even all those that we resent initially. First impression lasts? Not to me, I always judge people on the first impression but it doesn't always last. My mind changes like my mood, and it's enough to mention that I have terrible mood swings. I can't even stand myself sometimes. I have different opinions on people every day. The same people will get bashings of the day today and be idolized the next. But that doesn't mean I don't give out fair judgements. In a way, I think I have the best judgement..but don't we all? Who's to say I'm wrong when it's all a matter of taste...

The Late Hector Kipling

2008-06-10T18:49:00.014+08:00

Hector Kipling is a mad man. No - I take it back -- Hector Kipling is not a mad man, he's almost as normal as you and me, except that he's extremely talented as an artist and that he thinks too much. Too much that art became an excuse for him to do the things he did the way he did it. In my mind, he's broken. And unfortunately, it cannot be undone.

Hector Kipling is practically a liar. But Hector didn't want to lie, he had to..he had to tell Rosa that Eleni was his sister so he can get into her pants. He had to tell Lenny Snook (who is his bestfriend by the way) that his father is dying just so Lenny wouldn't tell sob stories about his own father's death.

Hector Kipling is insane. His crazy nature is so overwhelming that all I can think of doing is just gaped in awe. It's almost as though he hasn't got any sense in tact..but I bet that we all are crazy and evil in our own way? I bet that everyone has evil thoughts everyday but fortunate enough not to have acted on it.

I love this book, it's such an adventure..adventure of the mind..

hachimitsu to kuroba...

2008-05-08T23:23:00.028+08:00

Hanamoto Shuuji also known as Shuu-chan with Hagu. He's a professor at Bidai (Art School) and also someone the kids listened to whenever possible. Shuuji had a best friend named Harada who was killed in an accident in a car driven by his wife, Rika, who's also a good friend of Shuuji.

Harada Rika, widow of Shuuji's bestfriend's (only known as Harada). Shuuji introduced her to Mayama to help her out at Harada Design, a small design company founded by her late husband. Rika's sadness is what drawn Mayama closer to her..he's falling for her leaving Yamada Ayumi heartbroken.

Mayama Takumi "When I was a kid, I read in some book...that every human has at least three opportunities in life. And I thought this as I grew up...I get the feeling that it's a matter of having the money to take advantage when it comes...if something were to happen to the woman I love, I want to have enough to be able to tell her "Go ahead and take some time off" ...

Yamada Ayumi "I ran out because it felt like he saw right through me. I honestly wanted to call him. Wanted him to listen to a lot of things. And I wanted to ask him so many things...but I hated myself for thinking that...I don't care how pathetic or embarrassing I look in front of everyone...I don't want to be saved..

Morita Shinobu
" He's not here. Takemoto's not here "

Hanamoto Hagumi
" Once when I was little, I saw God "

Takemoto Yuuta
"One day, riding the green bike I always used to ride, I thought to myself "How far can I go without turning back?"

In the mood for...

2008-05-07T14:34:00.005+08:00

I've been listening to Honey and Clover soundtrack lately. It's been a while since I last listen to anything japanese...and some of the songs featured in the anime are really great and most of them are by Spitz, Suneohair and Suga Shikao.

Why Honey and Clover? Cause it's a brilliant anime, enuff said. I've never been hooked to animes before Honey and Clover..(credit goes to dear old sister who relentlessly persuaded me to watch it...or rather, cause she has the remote on her :p). Now you can fairly say that I'm obsessed with it, as I am, with any other things that I considered "important enough".

his story...[part 2]

2008-04-04T10:14:00.004+08:00

I was looking at this man's back. He cupped his face with his two hands. Ashamed maybe, for crying like a baby. That's the most innocent thing I've ever seen. Such an honest thing when a man is vulnerable. I wanted to come in, but I know I can't. Longing to hear that sad music, I held my breath and kept watching him. The cry seemed to be fading and it stopped very quietly. I'm still hoping for that music to be played again but to no avail. He was moving away from the piano and went directly for the biggest bluest armchair. Scared that he might have noticed me, I made my way back to where I first came from. I set myself up for another night sleep. It was cold but I was used to it....

*******************

He sounded bitter...the pain must have cost him a lot more than what was shown through his beautiful wrinkly eyes. I could feel the pain though I can't quite see where it was coming from. His voice...I felt the warmth. If only he would speak more, maybe say my name. He didn't see me or couldn't. I just wished he would look my way.

his story...

2008-03-26T14:19:00.003+08:00

There was a space under the staircase. It was dark and cold, it sends shivers down my spine. And then I heard music. The muffled sound of a piano being played. It was such a sad music but who was playing? A tiny opening at the door gave away the shadow of the figure who was playing the piano. Moving forward towards the door, I carefully arranged my steps towards the sound. It was getting louder and louder with every step. Suddenly the music stopped; followed by a soft cry from the room. It was a man and yet the cry did not show any signs of weakness. It was a cry of a sad man. A very sad man...[to be continued]

it's only words...

2008-03-05T14:48:00.014+08:00

So this is permanence, love's shattered pride. What once was innocence, turned on its side. A cloud hangs over me, marks every move, deep in the memory, of what once was love. Driving away from the wreck of the day and the light's always red in the rear-view. Desperately close to a coffin of hope I'd cheat destiny just to be near you. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up on love. 4 more exits to my apartment but I am tempted to keep the car in drive. And leave it all behind. I rent a room and I fill the spaces with wood in places to make it feel like home. But all I feels alone. It might be a quarter-life crisis or just the stirring in my soul. Oh, make sense of me, night. I can see so much from this cold height. The moon said "oh darkness my work is done. I've poured this bottle of light from the sun. But their anger keeps on rising and they don't understand. I've shown them all that I can. That the world is at hand". Please, don't spoil my day, I'm miles away. And after all I'm only sleeping. Waiting on an angel, one to carry me home. Hope you come to see me soon. Cause I don't want to go alone.

lyrics from: Twentyfour Hour (Joy Division), Wreck of The Day (Anna Nalick), Why Georgia (John Mayer), Calling the Moon (Dar Williams), I'm Only Sleeping (The Beatles) and Waiting On An Angel (Ben Harper)..

Finding your way back..

2008-02-29T13:14:00.008+08:00

It's ignorant to say that others choose to be whatever it is that they choose to be because they had no choice. And it's arrogant to say that you're the only one who knows what you're doing and what you choose to be because you know who you are. But a lot of people choose to be ignorant and thats why they made the wrong choices. Most of us aren't aware of what's happening outside of our own little world and choose to blindly believe in mere words instead of having them deciphered into their own intelligence understanding. They're either naive or gullible. Both of which is just as bad as the other. Sometimes it's better to take pride in being indifferent or ignorant instead of letting yourselves being seen as pretentious.

However, it's important to know what the issues are first..

More on heath..

2008-02-27T11:33:00.015+08:00

I've been obsessing about him for over a month..so i thought i should put in the medical investigation results of his death in my blog..so here goes:

Actor Heath Ledger died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs that included painkillers, sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication, the New York City medical examiner said Wednesday.

"Mr. Heath Ledger died as the result of acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine," medical examiner's spokeswoman Ellen Borakove said in a news release."We have concluded that the manner of death is accident, resulting from the abuse of prescription medications," Borakove said.Ledger, 28, died in his Manhattan apartment Jan. 22. Police said several prescription drugs were found in the Manhattan apartment where the his body was found.

Here is what Christopher Nolan (director of The Dark Knight)wrote as a tribute to Heath Ledger:

One night, as I'm standing on LaSalle Street in Chicago, trying to line up a shot for "The Dark Knight," a production assistant skateboards into my line of sight. Silently, I curse the moment that Heath first skated onto our set in full character makeup. I'd fretted about the reaction of Batman fans to a skateboarding Joker, but the actual result was a proliferation of skateboards among the younger crew members. If you'd asked those kids why they had chosen to bring their boards to work, they would have answered honestly that they didn't know. That's real charisma—as invisible and natural as gravity. That's what Heath had.

Heath was bursting with creativity. It was in his every gesture. He once told me that he liked to wait between jobs until he was creatively hungry. Until he needed it again. He brought that attitude to our set every day. There aren't many actors who can make you feel ashamed of how often you complain about doing the best job in the world. Heath was one of them.

One time he and another actor were shooting a complex scene. We had two days to shoot it, and at the end of the first day, they'd really found something and Heath was worried that he might not have it if we stopped. He wanted to carry on and finish. It's tough to ask the crew to work late when we all know there's plenty of time to finish the next day. But everyone seemed to understand that Heath had something special and that we had to capture it before it disappeared. Months later, I learned that as Heath left the set that night, he quietly thanked each crew member for working late. Quietly. Not trying to make a point, just grateful for the chance to create that they'd given him.
Those nights on the streets of Chicago were filled with stunts. These can be boring times for an actor, but Heath was fascinated, eagerly accepting our invitation to ride in the camera car as we chased vehicles through movie traffic—not just for the thrill ride, but to be a part of it. Of everything. He'd brought his laptop along in the car, and we had a high-speed screening of two of his works-in-progress: short films he'd made that were exciting and haunting. Their exuberance made me feel jaded and leaden. I've never felt as old as I did watching Heath explore his talents. That night I made him an offer—knowing he wouldn't take me up on it—that he should feel free to come by the set when he had a night off so he could see what we were up to.

When you get into the edit suite after shooting a movie, you feel a responsibility to an actor who has trusted you, and Heath gave us everything. As we started my cut, I would wonder about each take we chose, each trim we made. I would visualize the screening where we'd have to show him the finished film—sitting three or four rows behind him, watching the movements of his head for clues to what he was thinking about what we'd done with all that he'd given us. Now that screening will never be real. I see him every day in my edit suite. I study his face, his voice. And I miss him terribly.
Back on LaSalle Street, I turn to my assistant director and I tell him to clear the skateboarding kid out of my line of sight when I realize—it's Heath, woolly hat pulled low over his eyes, here on his night off to take me up on my offer. I can't help but smile.
© 2008

you can find the link to this here.

feeling guilty?

2008-02-26T16:39:00.006+08:00

to say or not to say...what is my choice? If I ever say that I believe in honesty again, kill me. What can one do to pay for one's wrongdoings? The effect of dishonesty is like a chain reaction. One domino hit, the others will follow suit. Is there some sort of formula? a penance for each mistake done? Life would be much easier if it's a barter system. No guilty conscience whatsoever, just business..it's nothing personal..it's just business.

blaa dee daa

2008-02-26T10:11:00.013+08:00

Whether it's illusion or real, we always think that money is the real deal. What about pride and self respect? Don't this exist anymore? Some people no longer have the drive for anything. They are ready to settle anytime now. It's like they are forced to believe that life is supposed to be better if they don't move at all. That being said, some of us are full of drives but lack the courage. And this is worst. We believe that life would be better if we move but have no guts to do it.

Changes are our worst enemy. We hate it! If the tv is in the middle section of the room, it should always be there..putting it in the corner will make everything else a hassle. Whether or not you gonna move that sofa to face the tv? or just leave it leaning against the wall and not facing the tv? whether it would gets in the way of your "Qi"??. This is just troublesome. Though we always seemed to forget the end result. The satisfaction of a new living room layout. The whole atmosphere it creates. And a sense of something accomplished...